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Values: know what matters

Definition: Values are how we want to be and can guide us to live a meaningful life. Values are not goals because they are not specific tasks to get done, but more so a direction to guide how we want to be in the world. Skills to practice: Look over a values list and pick the ones that feel consistent…don’t pick the ones you think you “should” have but what feels meaningful. Work Application: To identify your values at work, imagine someone giving a speech at your retirement. What would you want them to say about how you approached your work and your colleagues? Would those words include things like empathic, warm, encouraging, balanced, striving? Think about what projects you take on or how you connect with colleagues and whether it is consistent with your values. Parenting Appplication: When you start to plan an event…a birthday party, a holiday get together, consider what matters to you about the event. Do you want people to come away feeling that they really got to connect with others, do you want people to feel that they were taken care of, that it was fun or creative? This will help you identify your own values and let go of the stuff that doesn’t matter. I recently hosted a holiday get-together and told anyone who asked that I prioritized having a casual, comfortable feel, and let Whole Foods take care of the cooking and two babysitters wrangle the kiddos running around the basement. I really wanted to lean into the values of comfort, connection, and casual for this party, and it freed me from pressure around cooking and childcare, and let my guests have a break as well.

Acceptance: making room for whatever is happening (thoughts, feelings, external events)

Definition: Acceptance means opening up to our inner experiences and allowing them to exist as they are. We stop struggling with them and allow them to freely come and go.Skill to Practice: Notice whatever feeling you are having. Ask yourself, if it were an object, what shape would it be? Would it be solid or liquid? Is it light or heavy? What color is it? Hot or cold? Allow the feeling to be there without trying to change it. Work Application: You find out that a project you’ve worked on for a long time was cancelled. You can’t get that time back. Breathe in and name the feeling. Breathe out and say “is.” (e.g., “Anger” “Is”). Parenting Application: Your kiddo is yelling for you. 100 times. And you are upstairs, trying to have a quiet moment. Notice the feeling (frustration?, anger?, rage?). Notice the action urge (scream? Yell? Hide?). Take a breath, soften around the feeling. “I am angry, I want to yell.” You may add a validation. “Of course I want to yell.”

Contacting the Present moment: “right here, right now”

Definition: Contacting the present moment is the ability to notice your present experiences and engage fully in whatever you are doing. This is more commonly known as mindfulness. Skill to Practice: 5-4-3-2-1 Exercise Take a deep breath. Sight (5): Scan your environment and name 5 things that you see. Touch (4): Identify 4 things that you can feel. Hear (3): Listen for 3 distinct sounds. Smell (2): Notice 2 things that you can smell. Taste (1): Focus on 1 thing that you can taste. Work Application: When you are working on a specific task at work, engage, savor, and focus purely on this task. This might include intentionally preventing distractions from other tasks (e.g., not checking emails, silencing phone and Slack, etc.) and redirecting your attention from worry and rumination. Parenting Application: Mindfully playing with your kids is an ideal example of contacting the present moment. Your daughter asks you to play Candyland. You engage fully in the task by directing your attention to your interactions with your daughter and the game and letting go of other thoughts.

Self-As-Context: the noticing self

Definition: “Self-as-context is the part of you that does all the noticing. Metaphorically, it’s like (a) a ‘safe place’ inside you where you can ‘open up’ and ‘make room’ for difficult thoughts and feelings, and (b) a ‘perspective’ or ‘viewpoint’ from which to ‘step back’ and observe thoughts and feelings. We access this ‘psychological space’ through actively noticing that we are noticing, or, in other words, through deliberately bringing awareness to our own awareness” (Harris, 2019, ACT Made Simple, p. 289). Skill to Practice: The Continuous You (Harris, p. 295) 1. Notice X. 2. There is X –and there’s a part of you noticing X. 3. If you can notice X, you cannot be X. 4. X is a part of you; and there’s so much more to you than X. 5. X changes; the part of you noticing X does not change. Work Application: The next time you get overwhelmed by stress from work, notice the difficult thoughts and feelings related to work that are distinct from you. Imagine you are a buoy in the ocean, rising and falling during the waves of stormy emotions, but without becoming the emotion. What would that open you up to do instead? If you could get distance from your thoughts and emotions, you might end up making a more effective choice next. Turn your computer off and take a walk around the block to clear your head? Think about the problem in a different way? Get advice from a colleague? Once we get distance and observe difficult thoughts and feelings, we have more space to act effectively. Parenting Application: If you are about to lose your cool because your child painted on the wall of their bedroom: Notice your feeling of overwhelm (and RAGE!). There is the overwhelm–and there’s a part of you noticing the overwhelm. If you can notice the overwhelm, you cannot be the overwhelm. The overwhelm is a part of you; and there’s so much more to you than overwhelm. Your level of overwhelm changes over time; the part of you noticing the overwhelm does not change. Try this practice out and see if it buys you some time before you engage in your first (and probably ineffective) reaction.

Defusion: step back from thoughts, watch your thinking

Definition: Defusion is not being fused with your thoughts and instead responding flexibly to them so that they can influence, not dictate our behavior Skill to Practice: Leaves on a stream exercise Sit comfortably in a chair, with your feet on the floor, and begin to focus on your breath. Visualize a gently flowing stream, noticing the sights, sounds, and feeling of the water. Become aware of any thoughts, feelings, or sensations that arise in your mind. Place each thought, feeling, or sensation on a leaf and watch it travel down the stream. Don’t speed up or slow down the stream; allow it to move at its own pace; if distracted, guide your attention back to the stream. Work Application: You identify your thought that your boss is upset with you which continues to interfere with your concentration, create self doubt, and cause you to avoid your boss. Acknowledge that You ask yourself, “If I go along with that thought, buy into it, where does that leave me?” Parenting Application: When you have thoughts that you are a bad parent, take a moment to notice. What is your mind telling you right now? It is that old "I'm a horrible parent" story. The one that your mind pulls up whenever parenting gets hard? Take a moment to difuse by likening your thoughts to "bad parent radio." "Oh that's the radio station my brain plays sometimes telling me how bad I am. It's doing it's thing again. Is it gonna be an effective solution to follow it's advice? Or can I lean into values and pick my next step?

Committed Action: do what it takes

Definition: Once we’ve identified our values, we can use them to select values-consistent, committed actions. Committed actions are planful and effective in moving us toward goals in line with what's important to us. Skill to Practice: Here’s where goals come into play. Problem-solving, planning, and learning skills to be able to take actions in line with our values. Pick SMART GOALS (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timebound). Work Application: At work if you want to develop into a new role, you can plan out the steps to get there... including researching the way to learn it, advocating to your manager for protected time to get the training you need, and then following through with the class and practice. Parenting Application: If your child has a learning or emotional need and you don't feel like they are getting the support they need, consider how you value showing up for them. Do you value collaboration, independence, empathy? Let those values guide how you interact with the school in advocating for your child.