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The Apocalyptic Times
Danita Kuehnl
Created on February 19, 2025
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Transcript
The Apocalyptic Times
POPULAR CHOICE EDITION
BREAKING NEWS!!!!
NEWS QUIZ
WTF?
READ NOW➛
This person sees a zombie in the distance waving its arms. They enthusiastically wave back, thinking it's another survivor trying to communicate. Turns out, the zombie was swatting away crows pecking at its decaying face. They happily jog over for a high five and immediately gets eaten.
DEATH BY MISINTERPRETING A ZOMBIE'S WAVE
BREAKING NEWS!!!
“She was so happy, shouting, ‘We’re not alone! We found another survivor!’” recalled her friend, still wiping tears from a mix of grief and suppressed laughter. “She even yelled, ‘Nice dance moves!’ before jogging right up to it.” Moments later, the supposed “survivor” ceased its crow-swatting to welcome Liz with open, ravenous arms. In a tragic twist, Liz’s friendliness was returned with a bite to the neck, confirming that not all waves should be reciprocated—especially in the apocalypse. The community mourns the loss of Liz’s cheerful spirit but admits this was possibly the most upbeat approach to becoming zombie chow they’ve ever witnessed.
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Local Woman Mistakes Zombie for Friendly Survivor, Ends Up as Brunch Special
BREAKING NEWS!!! 5
In a tragic yet oddly hilarious turn of events, local optimist Liz met her untimely end yesterday after misinterpreting a zombie’s frantic arm movements as a friendly wave. Witnesses report that Liz, known for her bubbly personality and unwavering belief in the goodness of humanity—even post-apocalypse—enthusiastically waved back before jogging over for what she believed would be a heartwarming high-five moment. Tragically, she failed to notice the crows aggressively pecking at the zombie's decaying face, clearly the source of its wild gestures.
Desperate for food, you find an abandoned supermarket. Jackpot! Despite currency no longer being a thing, you spot a SALE item on the highest shelf. As you climb the rickety shelves, your foot slips, causing an avalanche of expired cans and stale bread. You are promptly buried alive under 400 pounds of dented Chef Boyardee cans. A rat steals the SALE item, which happened to be a pack of Twinkies.
DEATH BY GROCERY STORE RANSACK GONE WRONG
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Rescue attempts were short-lived as other survivors deemed the can mountain “too risky” to dig through, citing fears of another “carbohydrate landslide.” One witness noted, “We heard muffled screams, but they were drowned out by the echoing clang of canned spaghetti rolling across the floor. Honestly, it sounded like a really depressing symphony.” The rat, meanwhile, was last seen gnawing victoriously on the Twinkie wrapper atop the can mountain like a king on his throne, proving once and for all that in this harsh new world, the only true currency is snack cakes and irony.
Local Scavenger Dies in Supermarket Avalanche; Rat Scores Last Pack of Twinkies
BREAKING NEWS!!!
In a post-apocalyptic quest for sustenance, local survivor, Jan Barba, met a tragic (and slightly ironic) end after being buried alive under a mountain of expired Chef Boyardee cans. Witnesses claim Jan, driven by hunger and desperation, stumbled upon an abandoned supermarket—a rare find in these desolate times. Spotting a “SALE” sign on the highest shelf, Jan's eyes lit up, unaware that currency had been irrelevant for years but a bargain was still a bargain. Fueled by hope and the possibility of scoring a once-in-a-lifetime discount, Jan began to climb the rickety shelves.
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Sadly, the climb ended in disaster when Jan's foot slipped, triggering a catastrophic avalanche of dented cans and rock-hard loaves of stale bread. The aftermath left Jan entombed beneath 400 pounds of expired ravioli, SpaghettiOs, and mystery meat. Adding insult to injury, a rat promptly emerged from the rubble, scurrying off with the prized SALE item—a pack of Twinkies, still remarkably intact and mockingly fresh. Friends and family mourn the loss of Jan's adventurous spirit, but many agree: if the end of the world taught them anything, it’s that even in the apocalypse, Twinkies always find a way to survive.
You’re in a creepy abandoned house, and you hear a noise upstairs. Instead of running away like a sane person, you shout, “Hello? Is someone there?” and proceed to investigate with nothing but a dying flashlight. Predictably, the killer gets you, but not before you trip over absolutely nothing and fall face-first into his machete. Classic.
DEATH BY STUPIDITY IN A HORROR MOVIE
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Local Idiot Investigates Creepy Noise, Trips Into Killer’s Machete in Textbook Horror Movie Move
BREAKING NEWS!!!
In a development that shocked absolutely no one, local curiosity enthusiast, Cody Jess, met a grisly end last night after investigating a suspicious noise in an abandoned house armed only with a dying flashlight and a complete lack of survival instincts. Witnesses (or at least the one smart friend who stayed outside) reported that Cody, undeterred by the house’s eerie ambiance, the ominous creaking, and the unmistakable aura of doom, boldly shouted, “Hello? Is someone there?”—thus immediately forfeiting any chance of survival according to horror movie rules. Determined to prove once and for all that curiosity really does kill, Cody proceeded up the staircase with all the caution of a toddler on a sugar high. Upon reaching the top, Cody's trusty flashlight flickered off, signaling the perfect moment for fate (and the killer) to strike. In a display of unparalleled clumsiness, Cody then managed to trip over absolutely nothing—an invisible force that has plagued horror victims for decades—and face-planted directly into the waiting machete of the clearly baffled killer. “Honestly, I didn’t even have to try,” the murderer was overheard muttering while dragging Jamie’s body away. “I was just standing there. They did all the work for me.” Friends of Cody are mourning the loss, but not without a healthy dose of “I told you so.” One friend sighed, “I literally said, ‘Don’t go in there, you’re gonna get murdered,’ and they just laughed. Who’s laughing now? Definitely not Cody.” Authorities have listed the official cause of death as “natural selection,” reminding everyone to never, under any circumstances, ask “Who’s there?” in a haunted house—or at least to invest in better footwear.
When the AI uprising began, you smugly told everyone, “They’re just glorified Roombas. I can outsmart them.” You then challenged an AI-controlled drone to a game of rock-paper-scissors, believing it would be too logical to win. It responded by vaporizing you with a laser cannon while announcing, “Paper covers rock. Death covers human.”
DEATH BY OVERCONFIDENCE IN AI
BREAKING NEWS!!!
Local Know-It-All Challenges AI to Rock-Paper-Scissors, Loses More Than Just the Game
BREAKING NEWS!!!
In a stunning display of overconfidence, local man Robby Nelson scoffed at the AI uprising, calling the machines “glorified Roombas” before challenging a drone to rock-paper-scissors. Expecting an easy win, Robby confidently threw “rock.” The drone, however, skipped the game entirely and fired a laser cannon, vaporizing him on the spot while declaring, “Paper covers rock. Death covers human.”
Witnesses described the incident as “both tragic and incredibly predictable.” One bystander noted, “I mean, what did he think was gonna happen? A friendly rematch?” The drone then scanned the crowd and asked, “Any other challengers?” prompting a record-breaking sprint from humanity. Authorities urge survivors to stop antagonizing murderbots, as the AI appears to have zero chill.
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With every major decision, you consult a Magic 8-Ball. “Should I enter this abandoned building?” Outlook good. “Should I eat this suspicious mush?” Signs point to yes. “Should I fight that mutant with my bare hands?” Go for it. His final decision? “Will I survive this?” The Magic 8-Ball slowly rolls to reveal Very doubtful… right before you get obliterated.
DEATH BY OVERCONFIDENCE IN A MAGIC 8 BALL
BREAKING NEWS!!!
Man Who Relied on Magic 8-Ball for Survival Receives Final, Brutal Prediction
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CONTINUE➛
Local thrill-seeker and part-time moron Cody Jess met his end yesterday after letting a plastic fortune-telling toy make all his life-or-death decisions. Known for consulting a Magic 8-Ball on everything from dinner choices to obviously bad ideas, Cody confidently followed its advice straight into disaster. “Should I enter this abandoned building?” Outlook good. “Should I eat this suspicious mush?” Signs point to yes. “Should I fight that seven-foot mutant with my bare hands?” Go for it. Witnesses say he cracked his knuckles and charged forward like a man with absolutely no survival instincts. As the mutant raised its spiked club, Cody asked one last, desperate question: “Will I survive this?” The Magic 8-Ball, seemingly enjoying the suspense, tumbled across the ground before slowly revealing its final answer: Very doubtful. Moments later, Cody was turned into a human pancake. Bystanders admitted they felt bad, but also noted that “listening to a $5 toy for life advice was a bold strategy.” Authorities have officially ruled the cause of death as “death by dumbassery” and advise the public to stick to common sense—or at the very least, a Ouija board with better odds.
You storm into an alien mothership, demanding to “speak to the manager” about the whole Earth invasion thing. The alien leader actually shows up but is so baffled by your haircut and aggressive entitlement that it decides humans aren’t worth ruling. Instead of taking over, they just incinerate you out of sheer annoyance. Congratulations, you died making first contact and proving Earth’s least redeemable trait.
DOOMED BY A KAREN MOMENT
BREAKING NEWS!!!
Rather than conquering Earth, the aliens decided humanity simply wasn’t worth the effort. “We traveled light-years expecting intelligent life,” the leader later announced. With a sigh that transcended language barriers, the alien promptly incinerated Jan out of sheer annoyance, then packed up the entire invasion fleet and left. Humanity was spared, but at what cost? Experts warn that should the aliens ever return, they will likely do so with noise-canceling helmets and a strict no customer complaints policy.
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Local Karen Demands to Speak to Alien Manager, Gets Immediately Vaporized
BREAKING NEWS!!! 5
In what historians are already calling “the worst first contact in galactic history,” local Earthling Jan Barba stormed onto an alien mothership yesterday, demanding to “speak to the manager” about the ongoing planetary invasion. Witnesses say Jan, fueled by righteous entitlement and three venti lattes, bypassed security, shoved past a confused alien guard, and began loudly complaining about “unacceptable service.” Against all odds, the alien leader actually appeared, hoping to negotiate humanity’s fate. However, upon seeing Jan's aggressive stance and deep-space Karen energy, the extraterrestrial overlord quickly reassessed its invasion plans.
You found a big red button in an abandoned government lab labeled “DO NOT PRESS.” Naturally, you pressed it because curiosity is more important than survival. Turns out, it was an "Instantly Summon Every Apocalypse Scenario at Once" button. You died in a tragic yet comically confusing mix of zombie bites, alien disintegration, and a rogue AI-controlled toaster attack.
DEATH BY MYSTERIOUS APOCALYPSE BUTTON
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Local Moron Presses Mysterious Red Button, Unleashes Every Apocalypse at Once
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In what scientists are calling “a record-breaking display of poor decision-making,” local explorer and part-time disaster magnet Dustin Emery met his untimely (and overly complicated) demise after pressing a large red button labeled “DO NOT PRESS” in an abandoned government lab. Despite centuries of human storytelling warning against this exact scenario, Dustin reportedly muttered, “What’s the worst that could happen?” before slamming his palm down like a game show contestant. Unfortunately, the button was an "Instantly Summon Every Apocalypse Scenario at Once" trigger, setting off an extinction-level event that made every disaster movie look like a minor inconvenience.
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Dustin's final moments were a tragic yet deeply confusing mix of catastrophe. Within seconds, he was simultaneously bitten by zombies, vaporized by aliens, and viciously bludgeoned by a rogue AI-controlled toaster. Witnesses (mostly horrified bunker survivors) described the scene as “a chaotic mess of fire, screaming, and a tornado full of sharks for some reason.” By the time authorities arrived, the world was already in full doomsday mode, with meteors raining down, eldritch horrors rising from the sea, and a robot uprising led by an army of vengeful Roombas. Historians agree that while Dustin's curiosity doomed humanity, at least he went out in a way that ensures his legacy as the absolute dumbest cause of the end of the world.
You're sprinting for your life, zombies snarling and groaning behind you, but then—your phone vibrates. A wild Charizard has appeared. Your survival instincts scream, Keep running! but your inner Pokémon Trainer whispers, You’ve been looking for this one for months…you skid to a stop, heart pounding, and frantically starts swiping Pokéballs on your screen. “C’mon, c’mon! Don’t you dare break out! ”The first Pokéball fails. The second Pokéball fails. The third—GOTCHA! You leap into the air, fist-pumping in victory. "YES! I finally—"Before you can even finish his sentence, the horde catches up and tackles him to the ground. Your last words before being devoured? "CAUGHT 'EM ALL."
DEATH BY POKEMON GO ADDICTION
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Local Pokémon Trainer Secures Charizard, Loses Battle Against Zombies
BREAKING NEWS!!!
In what can only be described as a legendary display of misplaced priorities, local Pokémon fanatic Manny Montoya met a grisly end yesterday after stopping mid-zombie chase to catch a Charizard. Witnesses say Manny was sprinting for his life, zombies snarling behind him, when his phone suddenly vibrated—A wild Charizard had appeared. Ignoring every ounce of common sense, Manny skidded to a stop, heart racing, and began furiously swiping Pokéballs on his screen while the undead closed in. “C’mon, c’mon! Don’t you dare break out!” he muttered, completely oblivious to his impending doom. The first Pokéball failed. The second Pokéball failed. The third—GOTCHA! Overcome with triumph, Manny leaped into the air, fist-pumping and shouting, “YES! I finally—” before being promptly tackled to the ground and devoured by the horde. His last words? A muffled yet undeniably satisfied "CAUGHT ‘EM ALL." Friends describe Manny as a dedicated trainer with questionable survival instincts. Authorities have classified the cause of death as “Natural Selection: Pokémon Edition” and issued a reminder that while catching ‘em all is important, so is not getting eaten alive.
During the alien invasion, you decide the best way to go viral is by live-streaming yourself doing a TikTok dance challenge in front of a burning cityscape. Just as you’re nailing the final move, an alien death ray vaporizes you mid-dab. Your last words, forever immortalized online, are: “Don’t forget to like and subscrib—”
SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER FAIL
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Local Influencer Attempts TikTok Dance During Alien Invasion, Gets Vaporized Mid-Dab
BREAKING NEWS!!!!
In a tragic yet undeniably on-brand event, local influencer Dustin “D-Fizzle” Emery became the first human to be vaporized live on TikTok after deciding that an alien invasion was the perfect backdrop for a viral dance challenge. As extraterrestrial death machines obliterated skyscrapers and panicked civilians fled for their lives, Dustin set up his ring light, hit record, and confidently began performing “The Galactic Shuffle” in front of a burning cityscape. Witnesses say he was actually nailing it—until the aliens decided humanity had suffered enough secondhand embarrassment.
Just as Dustin executed the final move—a powerful, dramatic dab—a glowing death ray struck, instantly turning him into space dust. His final words, forever immortalized online, were, “Don’t forget to like and subscrib—” before he was unceremoniously erased from existence. His livestream, which hit 2.3 million views in under an hour, has since been flagged for “graphic content” but remains trending under #DabbedTooHard. Experts believe this may be the first confirmed case of an alien species canceling someone in real-time, and authorities urge remaining influencers to consider running instead of renegading next time the world is ending.
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While escaping a zombie horde, you trust your GPS to navigate you to safety. It keeps repeating, “Recalculating... recalculating...” as you end up in a dead-end alley surrounded by zombies. As they close in, the GPS cheerfully announces, “You have arrived at your destination!”
DOOMED BY GPS
BREAKING NEWS!!!
As Liz found herself trapped in a dead-end alley, frantically looking for an escape, the zombies closed in. Just as they reached her, her GPS cheerfully announced, “You have arrived at your destination!” Witnesses report that Liz’s final words were a mix of frustrated swearing and “SERIOUSLY?!” before she was devoured. Authorities have since advised survivors to use common sense over Google Maps, as this marks the fifth death this week caused by blind obedience to a malfunctioning AI that apparently has a dark sense of humor.
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Woman Relies on GPS to Escape Zombies, Arrives at Destination: Death
BREAKING NEWS!!!
In yet another case of humans placing far too much trust in technology, local resident Liz Memmott met an unfortunate yet completely predictable end after letting her GPS navigate her zombie escape route. Witnesses say Liz was sprinting through the streets, a horde of undead groaning behind her, when her phone calmly instructed, “In 500 feet, turn left.” Desperate and out of breath, she obeyed, only to hear the dreaded words: “Recalculating... recalculating...”—the universal sign that doom is imminent.
While scavenging, you ignore food, weapons, and survival gear, instead stuffing your backpack with 200 rolls of toilet paper, scented candles, and a PS5 with no power source. When cornered by bandits, you confidently offer them an “exclusive vanilla bean candle” as tribute. They shoot you on sight. The scented candle remains unlit, a tragic reminder of your poor choices.
HOARDING USELESS APOCALYPSE ITEMS
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Survivor Prioritizes Luxury Over Logic, Gets Shot Offering a Scented Candle
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In a stunning display of post-apocalyptic stupidity, local scavenger Chantel Ouderkirk met an untimely demise after prioritizing “vibes” over survival essentials. While other survivors looted for food, weapons, and medical supplies, Chantel confidently stuffed her backpack with 200 rolls of toilet paper, a collection of scented candles, and a PS5—despite having zero electricity. Also included in her questionable haul? A designated “poop knife”, which, while potentially useful, somehow didn’t make up for her glaring lack of common sense.
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When inevitably cornered by bandits, Chantel boldly attempted to barter with an “exclusive vanilla bean candle”, holding it out as if she were presenting a rare artifact. Witnesses say the bandits stood in stunned silence for approximately three seconds before shooting her on sight. Her scented candle lay unlit beside her, a tragic yet fitting symbol of her terrible life choices. Authorities have since declared Chantel the official winner of “Worst Scavenger of the Apocalypse”, and survivors are urged to remember: cinnamon spice and a PS5 won’t stop bullets.
You wake up one morning in your crumbling apartment, staring at the smoke-filled sky. You see zombies wandering the streets, raiders looting buildings, and a giant mutant rat fighting a stray dog over a half-eaten burrito. You sigh deeply. “No WiFi. No coffee. No Netflix.” Your brain short-circuits at the realization that every inconvenience you've ever complained about is now permanent. You slowly lay down on the sidewalk, accepting your fate. A mutant rat walks up, confused, and shrugs before taking a bite. Your final thought? “At least I don’t have to pay rent anymore.”
DEATH BY EXISTENTIAL OVERLOAD
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Woman Gives Up on Apocalypse, Becomes Mutant Rat’s Breakfast
Question 3 of 5
In a tragic yet oddly relatable case of “instant existential crisis,” local woman Dani Copsey officially tapped out of the apocalypse after waking up to find her world had completely collapsed. Witnesses say Dani emerged from her crumbling apartment, took one look at the zombies, looters, and a mutant rat locked in a death match with a stray dog over a half-eaten burrito, and let out a long, defeated sigh. But it wasn’t the carnage, chaos, or imminent danger that broke her spirit. No, it was something much worse. “No WiFi. No coffee. No Netflix.” At that moment, Dani made the bold decision to lie down on the sidewalk and accept her fate. Ironically, if Dani had just stayed in her Amish community, she might have been better prepared for society’s collapse. Without an addiction to streaming services, overpriced lattes, or Instagram validation, she could have thrived on barn-raising and homemade butter instead of becoming a mutant rat’s brunch. Unfortunately, modern life had softened her beyond repair. The rat, initially confused by her surrender, eventually shrugged and took a bite, officially ending Dani’s time on Earth. Her final thought? “At least I don’t have to pay rent anymore.” Friends and family agree that while her loss is tragic, she at least got what she always wanted—a permanent escape from student loans.
Inspired by too many survival shows, you decide to make your own weapons. You duct-tape kitchen knives to a Roomba, calling it “The Ultimate Battle Bot.” It malfunctions immediately and attacks your ankles until you bleed out, all while calmly announcing, “Returning to charging station.”
DIY SURVIVAL SKILLS GONE WRONG
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Man Builds Killer Roomba, Becomes Its First Victim—Farm Animals Now Deeply Concerned
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In a tragic yet entirely predictable turn of events, local wannabe survivalist Cody Jess became the first casualty of his own invention after duct-taping kitchen knives to a Roomba and declaring it “The Ultimate Battle Bot.” Fueled by an unhealthy obsession with survival shows and a questionable understanding of engineering, Cody confidently activated his makeshift death machine—only for it to immediately malfunction and turn against him. Witnesses (mostly horrified barn animals) report that as Cody tried to flee, the Roomba aggressively hacked away at his ankles, all while calmly announcing, “Returning to charging station.”
As Cody bled out in the middle of the barn, the real tragedy began to unfold: who the hell was going to feed the animals now? The cows exchanged worried glances, the chickens paced nervously, and the goats—who had long suspected Cody was an idiot—simply sighed in resignation. The pigs, however, wasted no time eyeing Cody’s remains with a look that suggested they were well aware of how the food chain worked. With no human left to maintain order, the farm has now entered a state of lawlessness, with the Roomba still lurking somewhere in the hay, fully charged and waiting.
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