Topic 6: Communication skills

START

Effective mentors are highly skilled in a range of communication approaches which we will explore in detail throughout this topic.

Communication Skills

ILM Level 3 Award in Effective Mentoring

Index

Welcome to this topic where we will exploring different types of communication used within mentoring.Let's get started!

Introduction

References

Knowledge Check

Listening Skills

07

Use of Silence

Non-Verbal Communication

Questioning Skills

01

08

04

03

02

05

Let's begin

01: Introduction

In the previous sections, we explored a range of knowledge, skills and behaviours required for effective mentoring. We’re going to build on this, by adding more skills to the list, and also exploring some of the skills in more detail. Effective mentors are highly skilled in a range of communication approaches, including: Listening, Questioning, Giving Feedback, Building Rapport, Non-verbal Communication, Use of Silence, Empathy, Emotional Intelligence.

Introduction

02: Listening Skills

Let's begin

Listening Skills

As we’ve already explored, ‘a good listener makes a contribution to the speaker simply by the attention they place on them’ (Starr, 2016). When we listen effectively as a mentor, we help people to feel valued and understood, which helps them to relax and explore their thoughts more clearly. Reflection:

• Take a moment to think about a time when you felt truly listened to.
• Firstly, think about how that made you feel; what impact did it have on you?

• Secondly, think about what the other person did that made you feel truly listened to; what behaviours and skills did they demonstrate?

Have a look at the listening behaviours and see which ones match your list.

Listening Behaviours

To help us explore the skills and behaviours used in effective listening, we’ll explore Julie Starr’s levels of listening model.This pearl of wisdom® explores how we can improve our listening skills by being aware of our focus and effort at four simple levels.

Activity: watch the "Levels of Listening" pearl of wisdom®

Activity: Reflect

In addition to the levels of listening, Julie Starr has a second model, which helps us to assess the quality of our listening. Your intention within the conversation affects your level of listening. If you set your intention at ‘I need to listen to you’ that will affect the level of attention you pay to the other person e.g. you might be waiting for your turn to speak, or judging what they’re saying. As a coach, we need to practice setting our intention at the highest level, genuinely wanting to understand what the other person is saying (and not saying). By setting our intention at this level, we are more able to be fully present with our mentee, staying in the moment and paying full attention to them, demonstrating highly effective listening.

Intention & Attention Model - Julie Starr

Listening Skills

Stephen Covey (2004) suggests that when we’re listening at the lower levels (pretending, conversational), there are three things we often do that get in the way of understanding:

• We evaluate what the other person is saying i.e. whether we agree or disagree with them or the situation
• We advise, keen to give counsel or guidance in order to be helpful
• We interpret what they’re saying from our own perspective, based on our own motives and values. If we’re thinking ‘what would I have done in that situation’, we’re not truly listening to understand.
• Covey suggests that it’s only when we focus on hearing the words and how they’re being said, that we can truly understand what that person is trying to communicate – he calls this empathic listening. In this state we might be asking ‘what is it that has led the other person to this point?’, ‘why are they using those words’ or ‘what beliefs / experiences / values are behind their thinking?’.

Listening Skills

As with all skills development, it’s helpful to understand where we’re starting from, so we can plan how to improve. To help you assess how you currently listen to others, think about the following questions as you go about a normal day:

• Thinking about the levels of listening, how often do you pretend to listen without really paying attention, or use conversational listening, waiting for your turn to speak?

• How is your listening different within different situations or with different people?

• How does the quality of your listening (intention and attention) affect other people or the flow of the conversation?

Activity: Assessing Your Listening Skills

03: Use of Silence

Let's begin

When we’re truly listening to others, we need to leave space for them to think and reflect. When we ask powerful questions in mentoring, the mentee needs time to think about their answer before responding, so it’s important we allow for that reflective space. This means using and being comfortable with silence. Many of us can feel a little uncomfortable with silence, depending on the situation and who we’re talking to, so this may be an area for you to work on.Silence is a gift that the mentor may use at any stage of mentoring. When helping the mentee to increase their level of self-awareness, silence will allow the mentee to process information logically and emotionally. If the mentor interrupts during this process, valuable learning can be lost. If the mentor remains silent, the mentee will often reveal more about their perspective, limiting beliefs and commitment, than if the mentor tries to move the session on.

Use of Silence

Noticing the mentee's non-verbal communication can be very helpful in these situations. Their facial expressions and body language can give us a clue about whether they’re reflecting deeply and need more time, or whether they’re stuck and need some help from their coach. Consider the questions and reflect on how you may alter your practice based on your answers.

Use of Silence

How comfortable do you feel with silence in a conversation?

How often might you jump in to fill a silence, perhaps with a suggestion, a solution or another question?

What might make you feel more comfortable to let that silence sit for a little longer, if it's helpful for the mentee?

04: Non-Verbal Communication

Let's begin

Non-Verbal Communication

As we’ve already explored in a previous section, non-verbal communication plays a large part in conveying and interpreting meaning. Albert Mehrabian’s research showed that in situations where quality of rapport was important, body language and tone of voice were crucial. The words we choose are vital, but it’s important to consider the way we say them and our facial expressions, to ensure we deliver a consistent and clear message. If there’s any insincerity in our message, people may pay more attention to the tone of voice or facial expressions, as these are more difficult for us to fake!

This short article explains a little more about the research, how it can be misinterpreted and how to use it in all settings.

Non-Verbal Communication

How to use NVC in Mentoring Within mentoring, we need to be aware of our own tone of voice and facial expressions. With the right tone of voice we can ask challenging questions to help the mentee to think. If we ask those same questions with a more aggressive tone of voice, the mentee is likely to shut down or become defensive. We also need to be aware of the mentee’s non-verbal communication, which is a rich source of information for us and them. They may be saying one thing, but their tone of voice and body language may be giving a different message – this is something we can ask questions about or give feedback on, to raise awareness and explore what’s really going on for them.

Non-Verbal Communication

Article - Non-Verbal Awareness

Further Reading:Read this short article from the International Coaching Federation on verbal nods (hmmm, uh-huh) – how to use them well and things to avoid.

Let's begin

05: Questioning Skills

Questioning Skills

Questions are a vital skill in mentoring, helping to explore topics and shine a light on the most important areas. There are many different types of questions, and as a mentor, we need to think carefully about what types of questions we’re asking and what is the purpose of those questions. Let’s start by exploring a few different types of questions. To introduce us to different types of questions and why we might use them, watch this short video on effective questioning. This pearl of wisdom® looks at the importance of being skilled at questioning so that you get the information you need in a way that is useful, and introduces you to different styles of questions.

Questioning Skills

Asking questions is an essential part of communication. In fact, it's one of the most effective ways to learn, understand, and convey information. However, not all questions are created equal. There are various types of questions, each with its own purpose, format, and level of complexity. It's crucial to have a good grasp of the different types of questions and their examples to ask the right questions at the right time and get the most out of any conversation or discussion.

Open Questions

Closed Questions

ProbingQuestions

LeadingQuestions

HypotheticalQuestions

MultipleQuestions

LinkingQuestions

BehaviouralQuestions

Miracle, Motivational and Mentor Questioning

Questioning Skills

Open vs Closed Questions Open and closed questions both have an important role to play in mentoring As we’ve already seen, open questions are the main type of questions we should be asking, helping to open the conversation up and create thinking space. Closed questions are helpful for checking specific information and for gaining commitment – they only ask for a yes / no or for very specific facts. If overused, they can close the conversation down, or find the mentor has moved into trying to guess what the issues are, rather than allowing the coachee to explore them. The following examples show how small changes in language can create a more open dialogue.

Questioning Skills

We all have communication patterns and preferences – many of us ask more closed than open questions, so it’s useful to gather some data about what type of questions you ask, what results these achieve and what you could do even better.ActivityOver the next few days, pay attention to the types of questions you’re asking.

• What proportion of open and closed questions are you using?
• How well is this working in each situation?
• Try asking more open questions – how does this change the flow of your conversations?

Questioning Skills

We all have communication patterns and preferences – many of us ask more closed than open questions, so it’s useful to gather some data about what type of questions you ask, what results these achieve and what you could do even better.ActivityOver the next few days, pay attention to the types of questions you’re asking.

• What proportion of open and closed questions are you using?
• How well is this working in each situation?
• Try asking more open questions – how does this change the flow of your conversations?

Questioning Skills

Starr (2016) suggests that a good question has three characteristics:

• It’s simple and easy to understand
• It has a clear purpose
• It influences the direction of someone’s thoughts, without controlling them

Good questions are the keys that open doors, often doors the mentee wasn’t aware existed. Asking questions with these 3 characteristics means the mentee will easily understand what’s being asked and can focus their energy on thinking / reflection, rather than wasting energy on trying to interpret an overly complicated question. Great questions also need to be asked with a respectful, empathetic tone, to maintain a good quality of rapport with the mentee.

Example Questions

Questioning Skills

Questions to be cautious about As mentioned in the video and types of questions, some question types should be avoided or used with caution. Leading questions, or controlling questions, tend to narrow down options, imply judgement of put pressure on the mentee to come up with the ‘right’ response. These questions stop the coachee from bring open and honest, and can damage the quality of the conversation / relationship. Below are some examples of leading and controlling questions, alongside some of the neutral questions that would be better to ask instead:

Questioning Skills

As a new mentor, asking the ‘right’ questions can feel daunting. A little preparation in advance can be helpful, and thinking back to the FOE tool, this can be a helpful way to get yourself into the best mental space for mentoring. You might want to review notes from last time, so you know how to begin the session. If you get stuck, or your mind goes blank, you can refocus yourself, focusing on what they just said, or asking yourself ‘what do I need to do now?’ You might want to do a brief recap of points covered, which can help to reorientate yourself and decide on the direction you want to take. It can be tempting to plan lots of questions you want to ask, but resist this! The mentee may take the conversation in a completely different direction, and we need to be flexible to meet their needs (Starr, 2016).

Let's begin

09: Knowledge Check

Knowledge Check

Knowledge Check

Knowledge Check

Knowledge Check

• Covey S. (2004)The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Simon & Schuster. London

• Mehrabian, A., & Ferris, S. R. (1967). Inference of attitudes from nonverbal communication in two channels. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 31(3), 248–252

• Starr J. (2016) The Coaching Manual. Pearson. London.

References

Complete!

Well done! You have completed this section. Head back to your course page and continue working through the topics.

Hypothetical Questions Hypothetical questions are open in style and pose a 'What if...'scenario. They can be useful in analysing knowledge, attitudes, reactions, creativity and speculative thinking. However, it is difficult to judge whether the answer given really does represent what the person would do if confronted with the situation described.Example:

• If another member of staff took credit for work you had done, what would you do?
• If you were in the middle of an important task and a colleague asked you to drop everything to help her, which would take priority?

Linking Questions A linking question will summarise and confirm correct understanding and make transitions to new subjects.Example:

• You say you are good at handling awkward situations. Can you tell me how you use this skill when you are working on the help desk?

Closed Questions Closed questions are direct and focused. Some think they should not be used as they only lead to 'yes' or 'no' answers, however these questions are useful for concluding and summarising. They control the flow of information and are most effective in confirming information or slowing down a verbose coachee.Example:

• Have you attended any conferences this year?
• Did you personally supervise any other staff?

Probing Questions Probing questions are used to follow up and obtain more detail. Their purpose is to draw out more information about specific points, aiming for depth rather than breadth of information.Example:

• You say you enjoyed your last project. Which aspect of the work gave you the most satisfaction?

• You say that you worked in a team, what was it that made that experience enjoyable?

Multiple Questions Multiple questions are several questions joined in a series.Their use should be limited, as they tend to confuse theinterviewee, producing limited information.It may be useful to combine questions requiring severalrepetitive factual responses, as in the example given opposite. This can avoid having to interrupt regularly with the same questions and gives the coachee responsibility for covering all points.Example:

• I want you to think about your skills in relation to Word-Processing, Spreadsheets, Databases and Email and rate yourself against each as a) no knowledge, b) beginner, c) advanced user, d) expert.

Reflect: Having watched the video, take a moment to think about the levels of listening you regularly use at work. How often do you use Active and Deep listening? What more can you do to develop this skill?

Leading Questions Leading questions are directive and always indicate the preferred answer or telegraph the interviewer's opinion. These are not productive in obtaining depth or quality of information.Example:

• You are willing to try this approach aren't you?
• I expect you prefer to work in a team?

Behavioural Questions Behavioural questions seek evidence from the past as anindicator of future performance.Example:

• Think of a time when you had to deal with someone who was angry. What techniques did you use to calm the situation?
• What strategies have you used to manage your time effectively when you were under pressure to meet a number of deadlines?

Miracle, Motivational and Mentor Questioning Sometimes we can get ‘stuck’ in our own problem, considering it from our perspective using our usual thought processes. Some questions can help ‘unblock’ our thinking allowing us to move forwards to the goal. Miracle, Motivational and Mentor questions could all work to freethe coachee and encourage divergent thinking. Examples:

• If you did know, what might it be?
• What would be a really good question for me to ask you right now?
• Think of someone who would know what to do in this situation. What would they do?

• If your problem was a dog what kind of dog would it be? Why?
• If you could have all the resources you needed, what would you do?

Identify a number of problems of your own. Think about what miracle, motivational and mentor questions would work for you.

Listening Behaviours

• Maintains appropriate eye contact (the right amount to show they’re engaged)
• Uses nodding to encourage you
• Uses verbal nods e.g. uh-huh, yes, to show they’re listening
• Asks relevant follow-up questions to gather more information or help you think
• Responsive facial expressions, showing empathy
• Able to summarise or paraphrase what you’ve said, to ensure they understand
• Creating space for you to talk, not jumping in and sharing their own views or stories
• Pay complete attention to you, not distracted by technology or other people

Open Questions Open questions encourage the flow of information. They usually begin with “What, Why, When, Where,Tell me about, or How” and encourage an expansive response.Coachees will often respond well to an open question.Examples:

• What sort of work do you enjoy most?
• Tell me about the project you are currently involved in.