Affective Statemnets

AFFECTIVE STATEMENTS

AND LANGUAGE

AFFECTIVE STATEMENTS AND LANGUAGE

Affective statements are a way to communicate to another person how they have affected you by their behavior, either positively or negatively. They can be offered when you see someone doing something that makes you uncomfortable or impacts you in some other way. They offer an alternative to comments that are implicitly judgmental and can lead to confrontation, argument, and further conflict.

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NON VIOLENT COMUNICATION

Feelings are never someone’s “fault.”

if we teach them (possibly through these types of blame statements) that they are the cause of other’s behaviour, they are also learning the myth that others control their feelings. When you see others as the source of your pain, you increase the likelihood you will want to punish them when the feelings hurt or cause pain.

Kids benefit from learning that feelings are caused by needs being met or not met, not the actions of others. If other people’s actions caused our feelings, then each time they make that action, the same feeling would come for us. Except we know that isn’t true.

We want students to look at their inner world more so they can learn emotional regulation. If they learn that their feelings are owned by and originate from themselves, they can then learn to get out of the blame game.

Observation:

Star with an observation of the behaviour free of judgments, criticism, blame, or diagnosis.

Feelings:

Follow the words “I feel” with a word that describes physical emotions when doing affective statements.

Needs:

Follow a feeling with a need and not a blame statement about other people.

Request:

Ask for what would meet your needs. Be as direct and clear as possible with something doable.

Typical response

Affective Statement

It makes me uncomfortable when I hear you teasing Sandy

Stop teasing Sandy

Problem

NVC version

Feeling is blamed on student behaviour & teasing is a judgment

When I hear you speaking to Sandy in the way you did, I felt worried because I value respect. Would you be willing to tell me what you were talking about?

Typical response

Affective Statement

I am frustrated that you are not listening to me

Talking during class is inappropriate

Problem

NVC version

Feeling is blame based & accuses student of not listening rather than expressing need to be heard

When I hear you talking at the same time I am talking, I feel frustrated because I would like to be heard. Would you be willing to raise your hand when you want to talk?

Typical response

Affective Statement

I feel sad when you say something like that to John

You shouldn't do that

Problem

NVC version

Aside from blame and accusation, there is also a bit of shame in this statement

When I heard what you said to John, I felt sad because I value respect. Would you be willing to tell me what you were thinking about when you said that?

Typical response

Affective Statement

I feel angry when you talk and joke during my lectures

Sit down and be quiet

Problem

NVC version

Blame based statement. Teachers feelings attributed to student's behaviour

When I see you walking around the class and talking while I am doing a lecture, I feel angry because I really value collaboration in the class. Could I ask you to tell me how that sound to you?

Typical response

Affective Statement

I was shoked to see you hurt Pete

I don't want to see you fighting with him

Problem

NVC version

Makes a judgment about what happen perhaps without known facts. Blames student for feeling of shock so teacher no longer owns feeling

When I saw you put your hands on Pete, I was scared because I really want safety for everyone in my classroom. Would you be willing to tell what happend between you?

AFFECTIVE STATEMENT+NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION

I feel ____(state the impact)____ When ____(identify the behavior)____ What I’d like is ___(state the preferred action)___ Example: I feel hurt when I hear people speak unkindly to each other. What I’d like is for all of us to be mindful of our words and speak respectfully to each other.

It is important to follow a feeling with a need and not a blame statement about other people. We need to own our feelings and the best way to do that is to learn to associate our feelings with the needs behind them. When we feel tired, it is our body's way of telling us we need rest. When we feel hungry, we most likely need food. When we feel scared, it may mean we have a need for safety. This is the best way of making an affective statement. “I feel…..because I need……” as opposed to “I feel because you….”

If we are going to go through the trouble of pointing out the behaviour, expressing our feelings and needs, we might as well ask for what would make life more wonderful! Ask for what would meet your needs. Be as direct and clear as possible with something doable. Ask for what you DO want rather than what you DON’T want. Honour choice by starting with “Would you be willing…..?” Be prepared and welcome to hear NO.

It is first and most important that we follow the words “I feel” with a word that describes physical emotions when doing affective statements. We want to model for students how to express their emotions using their words rather than acting out their emotions in negative ways. Be careful of following “I feel” with thoughts. (I feel like, I feel as if, I feel that you)

If we want to point out to students exactly what behaviour we want to address, we are best to do that in ways that don’t create shame, defensiveness, or resistance to our feedback. I suggest starting with an observation of the behaviour free of judgments, criticism, blame, or diagnosis.