Conversations for Wellbeing FlowBook

Conversations forWellbeing

Look after your people and respond to stress at work. Develop conversation skills for wellbeing.

Jules Bevis, 2022

www.management-learning.co.uk

Chapter 3: Creating safety for the conversation

Contents

Chapter 1: Wellbeing at work and you

Chapter 2: Preparing for the conversation

Chapter 4: Navigating the conversation

Chapter 1

Wellbeing at work and you

In chapter 1...

Paying attention to wellbeing pays off

Wellbeing at work today

How managers can make a difference

Wellbeing at work today

Wellbeing at work today

Wellbeing...

"...it includes having good mental health, high life satisfaction, a sense of meaning or purpose, and the ability to manage stress."

Tchiki Davis, Ph.D. 1

Wellbeing isn’t just about feeling good, and having a good quality of life, but being able to bounce back from stress when we do come under pressure. In the workplace, resilience to stress means being able to maintain productivity, quality of performance and healthy workplace relationships under pressure.

Wellbeing at work today

Investment in wellbeing is increasing. The Health and Wellbeing at Work 2022 report from CIPD 3 shows that:

Of HR professionals expected their health and wellbeing budget to increase in the next 12 months

41%

Of HR professionals believe that wellbeing is on senior leaders’ agendas

70%

"...the longer-term trend suggests that employee wellbeing has been gradually rising up the corporate agenda"

Paying attention to wellbeing pays off

People are loyal to employers who look after their people, and who value them as individuals as well as for their contribution.

The Health and Wellbeing at Work 2022 report from CIPD 3 shows the impact of a major investment in wellbeing at Leek United Building Society in 2021. These are some of the results cited in the report:

ABSENTEEISM

STAFF EFFICIENCY

REPUTATION

EMPLOYEE ENGAGEMENT

How managers can make a difference

Most organisations look to line managers to prevent absenteeism in their teams. 3

At the same time ‘management style’ is one of the most common causes of work-related stress amongst employees. 3

You can make the difference by being part of the solution.

How managers can make a difference

Looking after your people and communicating with them compassionately can alleviate their stress and help to sustain their wellbeing.

Understand stress and how to respond

How do you know when your team is under stress? What signs do you see?

Chapter 2

Preparing for the conversation

In chapter 2...

Introduction

Embrace vulnerability

Work towards a bigger vision

Practise empathy

Introduction

Having conversations with colleagues about their emotional world can bring up certain resistances and vulnerabilities. It helps to prepare yourself so you feel confident enough to approach your colleague. This chapter will walk you through key techniques for preparing your mind, body and heart, before you enter the conversation.

Work towards a bigger vision

To prepare for the conversation, make sure you feel grounded and confident going into it. One way to build confidence both for you and your colleague is by working towards a bigger vision for wellbeing in your team.

Work towards a bigger vision

A vision "provides a clear and inspiring image about a desired future"

Mike Ganino 1

When you communicate a vision to your team, it answers the question for everyone: “where are we going?” A vision for wellbeing will provide a shared context for you and your colleagues, which will give your conversations more purpose and direction and help to create a sense of safety.

A great vision for wellbeing will inspire others to bounce back from hardship and difficulty.

Work towards a bigger vision

Take for example this famous quote from British Prime Minister Winston Churchill. The timing was on point - it was at the end of the 2nd World War, when he was setting up the United Nations with Franklin Roosevelt.

"Never let a crisis go to waste"

Winston Churchill

Work towards a bigger vision

A far-sighted vision like Churchill's invites people to be optimistic, like a lighthouse shining the light on possibility beyond hardship.

Work towards a bigger vision

Connect to the reasons why wellbeing at work is personally meaningful to you. What happened in your life that makes this important to you? Invite your colleagues to reflect on this too and to share their stories. This way you can create a shared context for wellbeing where everyone can participate.

What's your vision forwellbeing at work?

Embrace vulnerability

Embrace vulnerability

Before talking to a colleague about their stress levels, there’s one thing you are likely to both be feeling: ...a certain degree of vulnerability

Brené Brown is a professor in management at the University of Texas and a leader in research on vulnerability. Watch this video for her take on the topic:

Video recap

Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage

Vulnerability = at risk, uncertainty and emotional exposure

We need to change our mindset of vulnerability from weak at the knees to open hearted

Embrace vulnerability

Brené explains that vulnerability is often mistaken as a weakness. If you and your colleague are feeling ‘weak at the knees’, your instincts are probably to avoid talking about emotions. The risk is that you don’t address their stress at the root, and the underlying issues could escalate.

"Fortune favours the brave"

Latin proverb

Conversations for wellbeing are courageous conversations. Even if you feel vulnerable, approach the conversation with openness, and you'll find opportunity for learning, growth and trust building between you.

Embrace vulnerability

When was your most courageous moment in your career to date? How did you feel at the time? What's different now as a result?

Practise empathy

Practise empathy

The key to responding to vulnerability is empathy. Empathy is feeling what another person is feeling, with awareness and intention. It’s those moments of resonating with another person and being connected to them.

Watch this animation where Brené Brown explains what empathy is and what it is not:

Video recap

There are 4 key qualities of empathy:

Staying out of judgment

Perspective taking

Feeling with people

Recognising emotion in other people and communicating that

Video recap

To connect with someone’s emotions, we must connect with the same feeling within ourselves

What makes situations better is connection

Empathy fuels connection, sympathy drives disconnection

Practise empathy

When you’ve got a full agenda of your own, showing empathy towards others might not come easily. But you can practise empathy and build it into your muscle memory, so that it’s available in the moments you need it most.

Practise empathy

In the clip below Andy Bradley discusses his experience working with Janice, an elderly lady in a carehome. He shows that we can use our body language to create an empathic connection. (Note this clip loops, so just click to the next slide when you've finished).

Practise empathy

In the clip Bradley shows that we can feel more of what another person is feeling by mirroring their body language. Use this to practise empathy with your colleague, even before you go into the conversation.

Chapter 3

Creating safety for the conversation

In chapter 3...

Introduction

Allay their concerns

Use open body language

Agree a mutual purpose

Introduction

Sensitive conversations need a stable environment. From the moment you greet each other, you’ll be influencing how they feel and how open they will be. It's important to help them feel at ease by making it safe before you launch into the issues. In this chapter you'll learn some key steps to create psychological safety at the start of the conversation, so they are more willing to speak openly about their situation and how they feel.

Use open body language

Our bodies speak louder than words. Send signals of safety.

Use open body language

Our bodies speak louder then words. Especially when the person on the receiving end is under stress. Their senses are likely to be on hyper-alert, ready to put up their guard at the slightest sign of threat. From the moment you greet them, use your body language to send deliberate signs of safety and care.

Use open body language

Signals of safety

Click the yellow circles

Use open body language

If you are able to, try this exercise... With only your body and facial expressions say:

“I acknowledge your distress...

...I respect you...

...and I'm here to help."

Use open body language

" A face with expression sends clear messages. A face without expression, without movement, commonly triggers a survival response"

Deb Dana

Use open body language

How did you feel after changing your body language? What did you notice?

Agree a mutual purpose

Agree a mutual purpose

Start the conversation in a way that continues to create safety. Focus on agreeing a mutual purpose for the conversation.

Agree a mutual purpose

Think of it as a verbal contract that provides a homebase to come back to if the conversation goes astray or you hit a brick wall. By sharing your intention, you also give them a choice to either continue or take a different path, such as talking to a mentor or counsellor.

" Safety in a conversation is about intent not content"

Joseph Grenny et al.

A problem shared

Make understanding their situation your priority. This is a reliable way to reach agreement.Help them to trust that they will be seen and heard. This relieves any pressure they might be feeling around trying to fix the problem or improve their performance.

is a problem halved

Agree a mutual purpose

A verbal contract requires both people to input. What would you say to let them know your intention as well as invite them to share theirs?

Allay their concerns

Allay their concerns

Allay any concerns you think they might have about the conversation and your intention as their manager.

Allay their concerns

Watch this clip to see how teacher Mr Jensen handles a sensitive conversation with his pupil.

Mr Jensen does two things that you can use to allay the concerns of your colleague:

2 Contrast what you don't intend to do, against what you do intend

1Let it be known that you don’t think they themselves are the problem

Contrasting:

“You don’t quite seem yourself lately. Your wellbeing matters to me. I’d like to see how you are and what’s going on for you.”

“What I don't want is for you to think I’m not satisfied with your work. I also don’t want you to think you're on your own. I'm on your side.”

"If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, 9 out of 10 times you’ll intuitively do something that helps."

Joseph Grenny et al.

Chapter 4

Navigating the conversation

In chapter 4...

Ask questions from curiosity

Introduction

Aim for Clarity

Unhook the emotions

Encourage them to reflect

Putting it all together

Introduction

When the emotional stakes are high, conversations can bring some tricky moments. To make sure you’re having a positive impact, it helps to navigate the conversation with some guiding principles. This chapter outlines ways to handle the conversation sensitively, whilst helping your colleague to restore their wellbeing and find a constructive way forward.

Aim for clarity

Aim for Clarity

When navigating the conversation, reaching a state of clarity is your true North.

Aim for Clarity

Clarity doesn't just come with understanding the problem. It’s a state of mind. Clarity comes when we break through the cloud of emotions, and can see a constructive way forward.

CLARITY

Three points of

Aim for Clarity

Make clarity your aim for the conversation, to help to unblock your colleague and relieve their stress. The following principles are a guide.

Encourage them to reflect

Stress narrows our focus.

It has us telling a story about the situation, which may not be completely true.

Encourage them to reflect

Self-reflection is a remedy for stress

Encourage them to reflect

Meaning of self-reflection:"The activity of thinking about your own feelings and behaviour, and the reasons that may lie behind them"

Cambridge online dictionary definition

Encourage them to reflect

Self-reflection involves stepping back and looking at events from a broader perspective. Self-reflection challenges us to have an honest conversation, and to look at things more objectively, telling apart what actually happened from the story we’ve been telling ourselves.

Encourage them to reflect

Encourage them to self-reflect and learn from the situation. Help them to find the true, authentic story about what’s going on. Often this is enough to release the pressure and find some clarity.

Ask questions from curiosity

Ask questions from curiosity

What is your conversation style; asking or telling?

Ask questions from curiosity

In the workplace we are constantly refining our ability to come up with solutions and give advice. We are primed to find the right answers, rather than ask great questions. But in conversations where emotions are running high, this could do more damage than good.

Watch It’s Not About The Nail to see why this is...

Ask questions from curiosity

In conversations for wellbeing, no matter how sensible your advice, your message is unlikely to get through until your colleague feels heard. Your advice is likely to be met with an emotional reaction over and over again. It’s like trying to build a sandcastle right where the waves are coming in every 30 seconds. If you are going to give advice, better to build the sandcastle when the tide of emotion is going out.

Ask questions from curiosity

"Every fibre of your body is twitching with a desire to fix it, solve it, offer a solution for it"

Michael Bungay-Stanier

Ask questions from curiosity

OPEN QUESTIONS

What..? Who..? Where..? When..? What are the reasons for..? How..?

Coaching expert Michael Bungay-Stanier advocates building the coaching habit, meaning telling less and asking more. Questions encourage the other person to share and reveal more about their situation. Use open questions to open up the conversation.

Pro tip

Ask questions from curiosity

The key to asking great questions is...

...curiosity.

Clarity is the goal.Curiosity will get you there.

Ask questions from curiosity

Loosen off your habits of advice-giving and develop a habit of curiosity. That way you'll be ready to ask questions before trying to resolve the issues.

Unhook the emotions

"Make no mistake. Emotion is at the wheel… Emotion drives, we are emotional beings"

Brené Brown

Unhook the emotions

Emotions drive our behaviour. Even if we’re feeling good, emotion is behind our choices and actions. But when we’re stressed, our behaviour can become especially charged and reactive.

Unhook the emotions

This is a bit like being hooked on an emotion (like a fishhook), meaning our energy gets tied up on our feelings and we can’t see things clearly or act freely.

Unhook the emotions

If we think of stress as potential in waiting (like a coiled spring or an elastic band pulled tight) we can release the energy that’s tied up there by unhooking the emotions.

Unhook the emotions

Help them to process their emotions before trying to resolve the issues.

Often we forget to ask that simple question: how do you feel? Encourage them to share how they're feeling. Allow the emotions to come to the surface, and when they do, validate them. Bit by bit as they tell their story, you’ll help them to clear the emotions. They'll be able to see more clearly and find healthy ways to move forward.

How do you feel?

Putting it all together

Putting it all together

To recap we have explored four key principles for navigating conversations for wellbeing.

• Aim for clarity
• Encourage them to reflect
• Ask questions from curiosity
• Unhook the emotions

Putting it all together

To get your body acting in ways that your brain has just learnt about, you will need to practice.

Putting it all together

"Practice makes comfort. Expand your experiences regularly so every stretch won’t feel like your first."

Gina Greenlee

Putting it all together

It helps us perform with more: ~ ease ~~ flow ~~ confidence ~

"Practice is the repetition of an action with the goal of improvement..."

Annie Bosler and Don Greene

Putting it all together

Let your colleagues know how your practice goes and what you discovered. Bonne chance!

Avoid using the word 'why?' to find out someone's motives or reasons. It often sounds critical or like an interrogation.