Anger De-escalation Curve

Triggering event(s)

Sometimes we can be set off by one specific event, but it's more common to have lots of small events building up over time set off by a final triggering event. Consider a caregiver who's been trying to get in touch with someone about receiving a much-needed benefits payment. They've called the number they were given multiple times, waited on hold, and given the runaround when they did finally get through to someone. Then, they called OhioKAN to get support accessing benefits resources and the Navigator they spoke to referred them right back to where they started. This isn't a case of one inciting incident, it's a spark that had lots of kindling.

Agitation

Listen for

• an exasperated tone
• short, to the point statements
• sharing all the information they have, almost like they have to present their case to you
• repetition and emphasis

Communicate

• the emotions you're hearing--"I know this is incredibly frustrating,"
• apologize, if needed--"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have referred you to that organization when you told me you had a bad experience there."
• what can be done--"I'd be happy to take a look at some other resources that would be a better fit and could advocate for you, if you'd like me to try again."

Agitation is a state of anxiety in which we're tense, on-edge, and unable to relax. It's like being on high-alert, waiting for something to happen. In the case of the caregiver getting the runaround while trying to get benefits, they're probably going into every call determined to have to fight for what they need--because that's been their experience so far. Agitation is a normal response to not feeling listened to or understood, confusion about a process, having to repeat yourself many times, being condescended to, and many other things parents and caregivers go through when trying to access resources.

Acceleration

Try your very best to stay calm and listen. It takes two people to sustain the energy of an argument! If you don't meet the other person at that energy level, eventually they will plateau and de-escalate. Your goal here is to take in the information the parent or caregiver is trying to share with you, and not just through what they're saying. Listen for

• the feelings/experiences you might be hearing--anger, frustration, overwhelm, lack of support, not being listened to, etc.
• what took place before this phone call--in the last day, week, month, or several months
• specifically, what the problem is
• how the parent or caregiver would like the problem to be addressed

This is often the point at which we take action and express anger. You may talk with a parent or caregiver when they're feeling agitated and be able to address their feelings and problem-solve for a solution, but just as often you may find yourself on the phone when a parent or caregiver is past that point. When we're upset it’s incredibly difficult to see beyond the immediate problem – anxiety, stress, anger, or fear can make pretty tough to find solutions. This is where the energy really starts to ramp up. The kindling that was sparked in the triggering event has taken in some oxygen from agitation and is now ramping up to a fire through acceleration. We also see this kind of build up when someone is experiencing anxiety and overwhelm.

Peak

If you've made it here, you're in the home stretch! This is where your reflective listening and empathy skills will really come in handy. Listen for

• a point in the conversation where the parent or caregiver slows down--don't interrupt, but simply notice that they may be approaching the plateau
• direct questions--some people may ask what you're going to do to solve the problem at this point, or otherwise engage you in the conversation
• other emotions--this is where you may start to hear other feelings like worry, overwhelm, or hopelessness come through

At this point, you can start to contribute to the conversation more than you did in previous stages. This is when you might say things to the parent or caregiver that communicate your understanding of what happened and why they're upset, and apologize. Remember that empathizing with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them, just that you can see things from their point of view.

De-escalation

You can think of this as the "cool down" phase of the curve. When we experience heightened emotions that consume our thinking, this is where the tunnel visions starts to open up again. Don't rush this part. It's important to continue attending to the fears and feelings the parent or caregiver just shared with you. If you try to jump into problem-solving mode too soon, the parent or caregiver may feel dismissed or frustrated. Apologize sincerely, and reflect back anything you heard that you want to clarify. Then, you might open up the problem-solving conversation by asking, "What would a good solution to this look like for you?" If the parent or caregiver isn't sure, you can let them know that you have some suggestions, while still keeping it open for input and direction from the parent or caregiver.

Post-crisis Depletion & Recovery

This may not be a stage of the cycle you'll see as a Navigator, but it's something to be aware of. If, as you're starting to problem-solve with the parent or caregiver on the call, they seem tired or aren't sure of how to proceed, that's okay. You can always offer to schedule some additional time and space to think before touching base at a later date. Try to have that follow up conversation no more than 3 days later, if it's possible with the parent/caregiver's schedule.

A note to you as a NavigatorWhile the post-crisis and recovery stages of this cycle typically affect the person experiencing and expressing anger or another heightened emotion, you as a Navigator may also feel a little depleted after a sustained period of engaged, active listening. After an intense call like this, check in with yourself and give yourself time to reset. You might step away from your desk for 10 or 15 minutes to lie down, meditate or do breathing exercises, have a snack and some water, take a walk around your neighborhood, call your Coach or a friend, or something else that helps you get re-grounded.