Story Notes

story analysis

script feedback

Index

The Story

Story World

Set-up

Character Hook

Character Hooks Pt. 2

The Script

Dialogue

The Catalyst

The Market

Scorecard

Final Note

Lottery Apartment

Comedy | 112pgs | Feature

Lottery Apartment tells the story of friendship and growing up. Brooklyn sets the backdrop for the journey of how two millennials cope with becoming adults.

Our summary

Ebony is unhappy in her current living situation, and wants a change. When she schemes to get her childhood friend out of their deal on a shared apartment, which would be great if accomplished, her friend suffers from her betrayal, which leads to disaster.

+ more

Check out how your story's logline, character development, and conflict made an impression.

First

Impressions

STORY WORLD BUILDING

04

01

…the “undisturbed status quo of the protagonist.”

…a compelling, engaging, visceral and unique first frame?

02

05

…larger ideas that are proved by the events in the story?

…the world around the characters?(i.e. geography, setting)

06

03

...the hero start out with a false philosophy (or accept a false piece of advice early on)?

… a distinctive mood and stylistic visuals?

07

Does the audience witness an identifiable shift or variation in the character’s norm?

theKick-Off

On page 12, the audience does witness a shift in the character's norm. What emerges is a burning desire to progress from childhood to adulthood. Having gained support from her boyfriend, Ebony pursues better employment.

Feedback

(alt: call of adventure/ anticipation/set-up/plot turn)

Though we see Ebony's choice to no longer shield her childhood friend from consequences, her overall emotional/spiritual shift isn't externalized. More specifically, we don't know what Ebony fears or desires. The protagonist cannot face significant stakes if these elements are not present. Due to the script's reliance on dialogue to display Ebony's internal changes, her behavior has not prompted empathy from the audience. A novel can get away with that, but for a film, there is a greater need for visuals. Although her attitude has changed and she's fed up, we don't know why or what threats threaten to stop her.

*addditonal feedback

STORY WORLD BUILDING

01

04

…the character’s fear?

...the character's social status?

02

05

...the character's desire?

...the character's economic position?

03

06

...the character's occupation?

Character Goal

character hooks

04

Black

Character Goal

Street hustler

Part 2

02

Motivation

Do the supporting characters support the protagonist's goals while also expressing individualistic traits?

Francois

Fears

Boyfriend

Motivation

Fears

Motivation

Character Goal

Character Goal

05

Character Goal

Other friends

(Jessica, Ty)

03

Fears

Fears

Claudette & Dorcas

01

Family

Asia

Motivation

Motivation

Best friend

Fears

+ info

Character Flaw

Dialogue

What We Noticed

Is it fresh and engaging?

Rating

• When the group is together, the characters tend to agree with each other and do not differ much in opinion.
• The dialogue often feels transactional lacking subtext or relevant context.Except for the aunt/mother, everyone's voice sounds similar.
• Additionally, it's difficult to understand what the mothers believe and desire as people.Nostalgia is inserted periodically, but fails to function as a comedy.

In this script, dialogue hinders rather than helps the story. In many cases, simple action would be sufficient instead of exposition.

Recommendations

First, check out the video on dialogue voices. Then, assign your characters more clearly defined motivations. Next, revisit your scenes and make sure there's an immediate (micro) problem to solve. You can then use the dialogue to express everyone's attempt at problem solving. Try to avoid conversational dialogue that does not reveal anything about the characters or move the plot forward.

+ additional video

Does the audience witness the inciting incident (perfect catalyst) that jerks the action forward?

theCatalyst

The catalyst that jerks the action forward happens on page 33. Although it succeeds in setting off a chain reaction of events, these events struggle to stand up to the weight of their own. This is due to the lack of greater motivation displayed by the protagonist in betraying Asia's trust and obtaining the apartment. In short, Ebony has no other goals after securing her apartment. Because of this, the conflict cannot serve its purpose and be used to challenge the protagonist to face her fears or get what she wants. The story's conflict is resolved too quickly. Ebony needs emotional goals, too, if the story is to remain engaging.

(alt: inciting incident/plot point)

*addditonal feedback

SCENE BREAKDOWN

EXAMPLE PAGE

9''-11''

EXT - TARGET ATLANTIC CENTER - EARLY EVENING

MONTAGE

0''-2''

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore magna aliquam. Consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt lorem ips.

EXT - TARGET ATLANTIC CENTER - EARLY EVENING

14''-18''

Scene 04

11''-14''

Scene 03 MONTAGE

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore magna aliquam. Consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt lorem ips.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore magna aliquam. Consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt lorem ips.

Date 00/00/00

SCRIPT BREAKDOWN

Name Surname

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

Title of the project

9''-11''

11''-14''

14''-18''

0''-3''

EXT - TARGET ATLANTIC CENTER - EARLY EVENING

Scene 04

Scene

Scene

01

02

EXT - TARGET ATLANTIC CENTER - EARLY EVENING

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore.

20''-25''

25''-28''

28''-32''

18''-20''

Scene 06

Scene 07

Scene 08

Scene 05

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore.

Marketability

Structure/Tone/Mood

03

02

01

Does the story match its genre tone?

Is the story a new take on the genre standard?

Is the story formulaic?

Marketability

Structure/Tone/Mood

05

06

04

Does the story match its tone of intended platform?

Does the story match its target audience age group?

Does the story have its own stylistic approach /express a new take on the formula?

07

Story Scorecard

Discover how your story performed in each category.

Premise

Tone / Voice

Story World

00:00 - 00:46

00:00 - 01:50

00:00 - 01:10

Scene Variety

Central Theme

00:00 - 01:03

00:00 - 01:32

Story Scorecard

Discover how your story performed in each category.

Dialogue

Protagonist Arc

Usage of Literary Devices

00:00 - 01:00

00:00 - 00:40

00:00 - 03:14

Antagonist/Ant. Force

Script

00:00 - 02:29

00:00 - 02:01

FINAL NOTES

Coach's Final Note

Listen to how your story scored in the different categories.

Script

Story + Script

00:00 - 08:10

Thank you!