Management Skills Lesson 2

Difficult Conversations

Difficult behaviour and tricky chats

Start

Index

1. Difficult Behaviour

2. What can you control?

3. Listening

4. Getting to the heart of the issue

5. Being Objective

6. Victim Mentality

7. Mental Health Conversations

8. Coaching Framework

9. SBID Feedback Model

10. Balance of Concequences

There are two rules about difficult behaviour on your team...

Difficult Behaviour, not difficult people

Does labelling someone 'difficult' solve the problem?It actually makes things worse! When you call someone on your team 'difficult' you:

• are more likely to look at them negatively
• have stronger reactions to them than others
• treat them abruptly
• expect less from them

Difficult Behaviour can be solved, difficult people can't

What happens when we flip how we label people on our team, and we focus on what they 'do' instead? We can:

• identify the problem behaviour
• investigate the why
• engage with the person
• try to work together to solve the issues

What can you control?

Can we control the way someone behaves? As a manager, is it your job to control everyone's behaviour? It's impossible to control what anyone does, so as a manager, what can you control on your team?

What can you control?

What can you influence?

What do you have to accept?

Control

We often worry about things we can't control.This is a waste of energy. It's much more effective to use that energy on things that are within your control. When a problem arises in your team, think about the aspects that are in your control and focus on solving the problem that way.

Control

And remember, the main thing you have complete control over is your own behaviour,so this is a good place to start!

Active Listening

By listening to your team actively, you are showing them respect.

• It is important to listen without assumtions, wait for them to explain before you come to your conclusions.

• Are you looking at your phone instead of showing you're listening? It's important to show attentiveness with your body language.

• Instead of telling, ask your team questions so you can find out the real issues from their perspective.

List five open questions that would help you get to the root of difficult behaviour on your team

Getting to the heart of the issue

Three things to listen out for...

Deletions

Distortions

Generalisations

This is when the person leaves out the facts to make their point more dramatic. It is important to be aware of this so you know what questions to ask to get to the facts.

This is when the person links two different ideas in order to make their point. The problem with this is that usually the two ideas aren't related to each other at all.

This is when the person starts to exaggerate. Usually when someone doesn't have specifc examples to back up their point, they will start to use generalisations instead of facts.

Being Objective

• Seperate the facts from the fillers
• Look beyond the emotion
• Be calm
• Ask good questions
• Listen actively for factual content
• Seperate the person from the issue
• No matter how personal it is, don't take it personally
• Be assertive, not aggressive or submissive
• Attack the behaviour, not the problem

Victim mentality

When someone doesn't want to take responsbility for their actions or behaviours, they may slip into a victim mentality. You can spot this when the person blames everything around them, and paints themself as a victim of their circumstance, instead of trying to change their own actions or behaviours.

Victim

Why do I always have to be the one to do this?This is all their fault.

Why does this always happen to me?I get treated differently, it's so unfair!

This is going to be a disaster.It would have worked if you hadn't changed things beforehand.

It's not my fault.I didn't do it because you didn't give me enough time

The Impact of Victim Mentality

Hero

Productivity

Relationships

Trust

Morale

The constant negetivety can wear down the team morale and effect everyone's attitudes.

Someone stuck in victim mentality can cause delays and stop productivity.

It can cause people to turn on each other, break into groups and cause rifts.

It may effect how much trust you have in them, which confirms their feelings of unfair treatment.

People in a Victim Mentality loop love to make someone the hero, pulling them into their way of thinking

Action Plan for Victim Mentality

• Speak to your line-manager about what you suspect.
• Make sure you are setting measurable, realistic goals through coaching.
• Check that you have set clear expectations for them and the team.
• Keep a factual record of their behaviour, your actions and the balance of the team
• Make sure you are treating everyone fairly and aren't giving them a reason to feel victimised.
• Focus on team-building and creating team relationships.
• Increase engagement with regular catch-ups and check-ins.
• Give them small responsbilties to give them an opportunity to prove themselves.
• If their behaviour doesn't change, reach out for support.

Talking about Mental Health In the Workplace

• Choose an appropriate place.
• Encourage them to talk by asking open questions.
• Don't make assumptions, listen first.
• Practice active listening.
• Be honest and clear.
• Set confidentiality ground rules, who will you share this with?
• Develop an action plan together, find out their triggers and what is causing stress.
• Ask them what support they need.
• Encourage them to seek medical advice if appropriate.
• Seek advice yourself, reach out to Working Life.
• Have an open door policy, be approachable.

Mental Health in the Workplace

Questions to ask

• How are you doing at the moment?
• You seem to be a bit down/upset/ under pressure/frustrated/angry
• Is everything okay?
• I’ve noticed you’ve been arriving late recently and I wondered if you’re okay?
• I’ve noticed the reports are late when they usually are not. Is everything okay?
• Is there anything I can do to help?
• What would you like to happen? How?
• What support do you think might help?
• Have you spoken to your GP or looked for help anywhere else?

Questions to avoid

• You’re clearly struggling. What’s up?
• Why can’t you just get your act together?
• What do you expect me to do about it?
• Your performance is really unacceptable right now – what’s going on?
• Everyone else is in the same boat and they’re okay. Why aren’t you?
• Who do you expect to pick up all the work that you can’t manage?

Coaching Frameworks

Use the following two frameworks to guide your coaching conversations around difficult behaviour and giving feedback.

Coaching Framework

Problem Behaviour

1. State the problem
2. Explain why it's a problem
3. Explain what you expect
4. Ask for their view of the situation
5. Ask for their solution
6. Brainstorm solutions together to find an agreement
7. Summaries, agree and plan a follow-up

SBID Model

How to give feedback

Situation - outline the situation, be specific Behaviour - discuss the behaviour you are addressing Impact - highlight the impact this has had Discuss - encouage them to explain with open questions

Consequence Balance

Lack of consequences = poor performance Too many consequences = poor performance The right balance = motivated, quality performance

Examples of Consequences

Work Allocation

Performance Monitoring

Engagement

Taking or giving certain extra responsbilities based on their performance changes.

If there is continuous poor performance then regularly sceduled check-ins might be needed alongside coaching and clear SMART goals.

A meeting to discuss performance and show that you are aware of the positive or negative changes.

Celebrating Success

Formal Performance Plan

Training

Rewarding brilliant behaviour in a timely and appropriate way to highlight what great looks like.

If behaviour or performance doesn't improve, this might be the last option. Speak to your line-manager about how to start the process.

Putting resources in place to help improve their ability including mentoring, shadowing, 1:1 training, and aligning it with measurable goals.

You've completed your learning, well done!